Never in my life did I see anything like this coming, I’m sure I’m not the only one. I am of course talking about the new dreaded C word, Coronavirus. My mind is trying to process everything that has happened and changed within the last week. At the minute I am taking each day as it comes because if I think about what potentially lies ahead I don’t think I could cope. I have managed not to cry for the last few days but before that I felt like, and did, just cry at any given time, including walking back from the shop when streets had started to look deserted and I’d been at home with the kids all day, and watching too much news. It is the enormity of what is changing in such a short space of time that is hard to comprehend. For someone who enjoys going to work and getting out and about enjoying the fresh air and visiting new places, the prospect of having to now stay indoors unless essential, as well as provide some form of home schooling and work from home, is too much to take if I let it engulf my thoughts.

It’s crazy to think only 8 days ago I was attending a concert in another town, telling my daughter to make the most of it as it would probably be the last thing we would be attending for a while. As well as this, travelling on two trains and staying in a hotel, eating a breakfast buffet within an already eerily quiet restaurant. Things that were the every day norm were already starting to become not so. Only a few days before this, I had been to the same town with my partner, a rare night away without the kids, the concert we were due to attend was postponed due to the singer struggling with his voice so we made the most of still going out for a meal and as I said at the time, we should make the most of going for a couple of drinks in a pub as we didn’t know when the opportunity would arise again. Meaning, because we didn’t know when we’d get childcare again to be able to do it, not because they were going to close and we’d have the option to go to a pub taken away from us completely. These every day things that I took for granted on a day to day basis are now not allowed, and we don’t know when they will be. I think it’s safe to say that when this is all over and done with, and god help us, surely it has to be even if it is in the very distant future, I will never take any of these things for granted again and will cherish every moment spent going out and about doing what was the every day things of meeting for lunch, chatting to people at work and popping to the shop without the fear of potentially catching a deadly virus.

For now, I will stay home with my babies and do my best to keep them safe and sane through this, hopefully, once in a lifetime pandemic. Luckily, my little boy is too young for it to really make a difference to him, he is due to start school in September (I’m praying they’ll be back open by then) and is usually home with me anyway, having two days at nursery per week. For him, all he sees is he now has his Mummy every day, and his big sister home from school, and is happy that he doesn’t have to go to nursery as despite attending for over a year, he still got upset when I dropped him off. He is getting to play out in our cul de sac with myself and his big sister, something he couldn’t usually do due to all the cars that usually use to it turn around, they rarely come down it now due to the lockdown. No one else is out there as there are no other children living in our street, something I resented about our street in usual circumstances but is now a god send as it means we can play out on the front without coming into close proximity of anyone else.

My daughter is relishing not having to go to school but has had moments of being upset about missing her friends but luckily has a mobile and their phone numbers so has been able to facetime and WhatsApp. She is also happy about the fact that we get to spend more time together, I’m not sure how this will fair in the coming weeks given we are only at the start of a three week lockdown and months of no school or play dates are ahead.

For now, I am taking each day as it comes, trying to take my mind off what is going on in the outside world by not staying glued to news. I have to force myself to turn it off or before I know it I’ve been watching for hours the same story over and over, all while my anxiety about the situation is increasing. Instead we’ve put music on, made a timetable, my daughter’s designed a badge for our home school and we’ve been outside playing. Yes, I’ve also been playing, my daughters scooter is big enough for me to use and I’ve been on it every day since this started, chasing after her and her brother up and down the street, their laughter is so joyous to hear, and it is one of the pleasures that I have been able to experience due to this whole situation. These are the things that I need to keep in mind until we get through this, and also ensure we continue to enjoy moments like this when it’s over. If one thing’s come from this whole horrendous situation is that I should’ve been enjoying things like this before and it shouldn’t have took this for it to happen. Life as it was and the simple pleasures will never be taken for granted again. Stay safe everyone, we can get through this together.

I’ve been doing a few days work at a place which means I pass-by an old work place that I was at about 16/17 years ago and as I drive past it is such a reminder to me of how far I have come since those days, with regards to my mental health, general confidence and wellbeing.  Back then, I had split with my partner that I owned a house with and was renting a room from a work colleague, I was drinking on my own on a daily basis and also still a smoker.  My anxiety was at an all time high as well.  I wasn’t confident in my role and constantly wondered how the hell I’d even got the job in the first place, always thinking I was just blagging my way through and I’d be found out any minute that I was actually useless.  All of my close friends were settled down with husbands and some with children, and on a successful career path. I was constantly comparing myself to them and feeling more of a failure by the day. My life was so lonely, so much so that quite frequently, I’d leave work on a Friday and not speak to or have contact with another person until I went back to work the following Monday. I was so all consumed with my own depression and anxiety that I didn’t even think to do something like begin to start running or find some other way to pull myself out of the despair I was in. I’ve spent so many years of my life like this and its only in the last 5 years I would say that I have really started living, not completely anxiety free, but certainly depression free and my anxiety is reduced to a manageable, liveable amount that doesn’t control my life anymore. Back in those days, it seemed like it would never end but slowly and surely I have fought my way out. Now when I drive past this place, I feel so proud of how far I have come and have done so many things that I never dreamed I would be capable of. I have recently been working as a mentor for a mental health charity and it is due to overcoming mental health issues myself that I am able to do this and have an understanding and empathy for the people I am working with. Heavens know, I could’ve done with a mentor myself back in those dark days but back then mental health wasn’t spoken about as much as it is today, and when it was, people just looked at you like you were strange. It took me all my courage to even speak to a closest friend about it, and I think that was only the one time. I kept it to myself as I felt so ashamed of my feelings and to be honest I didn’t even really know what was wrong with me and why I was even feeling that way. I just know it was a horrendous time for me and I never want to go back there. I now have a partner and children of my own, I volunteer for a couple of organisations as well as working part time, I’m a regular runner, have become Pescatarian over a year ago and practically never drink. To be honest, it’s the best I’ve ever felt in my life and it’s certainly been a long time coming. So, if you are reading this and are someone experiencing problems with your mental health, please know, that it can and does get better, I know because I have lived through it.

People say “Running?  You’re mad!” but they couldn’t be more wrong because if it wasn’t for running I think I definitely would be mad!  Running started off as an accident really, I signed up to the Great North Run, knowing that once I’d committed I’d force myself to train.  I was also unhappy with my weight as I’d piled on 3 stone during my first pregnancy and was keen to lose it, running was a great way to do that.  Now 7 years on, I’m still running but it has only took me up until the last year to actually enjoy it and realise the benefits it gives me for my mental health.  This has been in conjunction with practically stopping drinking alcohol and becoming Pescetarian.  Something, I never in my wildest dreams I thought I would achieve.  You see up until a couple of years ago, I would’ve had a glass of wine or two on a daily basis and use any given excuse to have a drink.  It got to a point were I was waking in the night and boiling hot with my heart racing when I realised it wasn’t worth the bother and now it’s the norm for me not to drink, even on a weekend.  I never thought I’d see the day when I had two alcoholic drinks on Christmas day and one on Boxing Day, I used to love the fact I could use both days as an excuse to crack open a bottle first thing!  I can’t tell you how much better I feel for it and have now got to a point where I don’t miss it and can even go out on social events and not drink either.  Alcohol used to be something I relied on to get me through socialising due to having social anxiety, I always panicked when it came to Christmas parties or even socialising with friends and family.  Now I realise that the alcohol only accentuated my feeling of anxiety.  Even now just having one drink, the next day, I can feel my anxiety levels have heightened.  So, through stopping drinking, it has made it easier and more enjoyable to go out running.  It used to be such a slog and something I saw I had to do, whereas, now it is something I want to do and come the weekend, I cannot wait to get ready and myself out to Park Run, and even follow it up with a longer run the next day.  Running gives me such a feeling of freedom and clears my mind so much that I feel I can tackle anything.  So, if you’re thinking of giving running a go or are looking for ways to improve your mental health, I’d say go for it!  I promise, you wont regret it.  If I went from being a non-runner to being able to do a half marathon then you never know what is possible for you.

So Christmas is a distant memory and the new year celebrations seem ages ago despite only being a week and half since we started the new decade! Back to school and nursery is always a difficult time in my house. My daughter always starts getting upset and anxious the night before, which prevents her from getting to sleep, and then makes her even more stressed because she then starts panicking that she’ll be tired for school after being awake so late. Then my little boy is still dreading going to nursery despite now have been going for a year. Over the holidays he’s been asking practically everyday how many days until he goes back and then the night before was in tears saying over and over how he doesn’t want to go to nursery the next day. It breaks my heart but obviously it’s for their own good that they need to go, but when they’re so against going and getting upset, I find it so stressful, especially in a morning whilst trying to get ready for work and both the kids ready to get out the door and he is repeatedly saying he doesn’t want to go and crying. There was a day in the lead up to Christmas when his nursery had a Polar Express Pyjama day but my lb didn’t want to take part, which was fine, I said he can go in normal clothes. I didn’t however expect him to get so upset about the fact that other children were wearing pyjamas, it is the most upset I’ve seen him going to nursery. It started when we got up and just got worse and worse as time went on until we got to nursery and he refused to have his seatbelt undone but I managed to unclip it and carry him kicking and screaming until we got to the door, put him down, at which point he tried to run away, but was obviously torn between not wanting to go into nursery but at the same time knowing he couldn’t just run off on his own away from me. I managed to get him in and a member of staff came and took him off to the room he’s in whilst I’m trying to hold back the tears that want to stream down my face. The member of staff kindly rang me after I’d got to work to let me know my lb was ok and had calmed down, which was a relief. To be honest, I am dreading September and him starting school as at this point he only goes to nursery 2 days so heaven knows how he’ll get on doing 5 days. Saying that, maybe the routine of doing more often may work better, I really hope so!

I’ve recently been volunteering on a Parent led CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy) course for parents with anxious children, which was the perfect fit for me as a volunteer due to the fact that I myself am a parent of anxious children! The book the course was based around and used as a guide was Helping Your Child with Fears and Worries by Cathy Creswell and Lucy Willetts. I found the course extremely useful and to know that there are other parents out there experiencing the same sort of issues is a comfort to know it’s not just my children with anxiety. I haven’t got around to fully reading the book yet but I did take away some tips from the course which I been trying to put into place. One of which was to give less reassurance to your children as it can increase anxiety. When we over reassure it becomes like a drug that they need, so when away from parents and they’re not getting the reassurance from us they then get anxious. I am guilty of doing this and have to consciously stop myself now I’ve had it pointed out to me. I realised that when Charlie was saying he didn’t want to go to nursery, I would then reassure by saying things like “it will be fine”, “you will be fine”, “there’s nothing to worry about”, “you’ll be ok when you get there” et cetera, et cetera. Once I stopped saying things like this, I wasn’t feeding his need to be reassured and I am hoping he will become less anxious about going to nursery. As I have only recently found out this tip, it is still in the early stages of been tested out, but I am sure it is already making a difference. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’ve completely cut out the reassurance but instead I have cut down on it and been conscious of the words I am using instead. I will let you know how my lb gets on in the coming weeks and also write about other useful strategies I found out about in the course I helped out on. The book I mentioned is also available on Amazon, I’m hoping I find the time to read it soon. I would love to hear of any useful strategies you use if you have anxious children!

Every third Saturday, I have the kids by myself whilst their Dad works and I don’t know why but I always struggle with it. I have the kids for full days during the holidays and seem to be ok so I’m not sure what it is about these mornings that are different. I feel anxious and am counting down the time for my other half to come back home, trying to find things that make the time pass quicker.

Today my daughter had an appointment to have her fringe cut which was a great excuse for getting the kids out of the house and then potentially moving on to somewhere else to keep them occupied and burn energy until their Dad was home. The library is a few doors down from the hairdressers so we popped in there. I know, not exactly the best place for burning energy due to the fact that due to the need for silence, they even need to rest their voices in there. I soon learnt it was a mistake and we left shortly afterwards. I told them we just needed to pop into a shop, which is one I regularly go in due to the bargains they have in there, it is a bit random in the stock they have so you don’t always see the same items. Again, this was a mistake, whilst trying to concentrate on looking the kids are nattering for a drink, not keeping still, and generally doing what kids do and when I told them to stand still got told “you can’t tell children to do that” by another older female shopper. To which I responded ” don’t I bloody know it”, I should’ve probably kept this comment to myself but sometimes, quite often actually, my mouth engages before my brain. I gave up and moved on to the till with a few items in the basket, the kids are nattering for drink they’d just picked and my little boy, a lolly from the bag of sweets, my daughter trying to pass me a drawing she’d just coloured in in the library, whilst I’m trying to pack the stuff away and pay the lady who was serving. In the meantime, an elderly lady with a walking stick is trying to come into the door of the shop, which at the time, I was so distracted with what I was in the middle of, it just didn’t register with me that she needed help to open the door. Had I done, I would’ve stopped what I was doing and opened it for her. My daughter did in fact open the door and the lady came in as we went out, at which point she said “Thank you, love…for nothing”. I continued out of the shop before it registered what she’d just said to me. I have to admit, I had to stop myself going back in, to explain why I hadn’t opened the door but what would’ve been the point. I wanted to tell her that I was sorry and I was so all encompassed with my kids and the shopping that I didn’t purposely not open the door for her. If she’d have seen me at any other time, not only would I have opened the door, she would’ve got a big smile from me and a “you’re welcome” after she thanked me, without the “for nothing” added to the end. To the lady that was coming into the shop, yes I can see that you are struggling physically but at that time, I was also struggling, mentally. So next time maybe just think about the impact your flippant remark might have on the person you’re giving it to. As a person with anxiety, I am now going to be replaying the scene over in my head for the rest of the day and wishing I had seen you trying to come in the door and that I had opened it, on top of all the other things that I am already feeling anxious about.

No, seriously, where do I start? I have never been one to follow any blogs but am feeling compelled to write one myself, so am leading myself blind into it really. I’m not sure if this is a stupid or clever thing to do, as on one hand it means, I’m not really sure what a typical blog looks like and if I’m doing it right, and on the other, it ensures mine is completely original and I’m not trying to be like someone else or comparing mine to someone else’s. I think I’ll just have to go with it and hope for the best! At the end of the day, even if I’m the only one that reads this, at least it’s helping to get my thoughts together and if anyone else stumbles across and enjoys reading what I write then that’s an added bonus! So, I’ve wrote my first blog, and I’m certain there’s going to be many more to come now I’ve got myself going. Stay tuned!